I’m 39 today, 365 days closer to 40. Normally getting a year older doesn’t bother me but this birthday feels so different. The last year has been a draining emotional ride. Going from not being able to get pregnant to two miscarriages almost sucked the life out of me. I’m still not hopeful that a baby will be in our future. I decided that we’re not going to do anything extreme to have a baby, no IVF or insemination. And there is an end date for how long I will focus on this goal, 365 days. If it doesn’t happen by the big 40, then it just wasn’t in my future and I will move on. Even as I am writing this I’m in tears, I’m saying good-bye to a dream but I believe that giving it an end date it will help me see the light at the end of the tunnel which will keep me sane. I’ll trade in the minivan for a mini cooper and drive off into the sunset.

At the last minute I decided to go back to school. I’ve been wanting to finish getting my BS for a long time but something else always got in the way. I’m going part-time, two classes, algebra and sociology. Classes started this week and I’m the oldest person in the class. Things so far are going well but I’m only two days in to it. Give it three weeks and I’ll be pulling my hair out. It’s all good though, I feel like this is the path I should be on right now.

I have the next two days off, I’m going to enjoy my special day with family and friends.