Where have I been? There is an easy answer to that question, I’ve been stuck in the chaos that is my life. School finished in early May, then work has just gone bonkers. It hasn’t been calm in the cube farm for weeks. I made a quick trip to Raleigh to take care of my sister after she broke her foot. It was nice to get away but after about two days with my sister I’m ready to leave. Home life has just been cruising along. I made a list of all the things I wanted to get done before school starts back up, so far I can only mark off one project. But the important thing is that I FINISHED one project! I really don’t like being this busy. It leaves me no time to do creative stuff like quilting and scrapbooking. I’m happy but I would be much happier if I could find time to sew or be crafty.

This whole being an adult thing really stinks sometimes. We have been working on some home improvement projects this year. We got the pool remodeled and the roof re-shingled. All things that I knew were needed but I could have had much more fun spending that cash on a new computer or a new couch. But this is what being a responsible adult is all about right? By getting these big ticket improvements done I am saving myself from future expenses which could have easily doubled. Ugh! I hated writing those checks. But now that summer is here I am so happy we got the pool done. It’s nice to come home to a sparkling clean blue pool after a long day at work. And with monsoon season starting I don’t have to worry about my roof blowing off.

The countdown is speeding to the big 4-0. I’m not normally the girl that stresses or makes a fuss over their birthday but dude this birthday is really freaking me out. I just thought my life would be different at this point. I thought my life would feel less like it did when I was in my twenties, it really hasn’t changed much. I thought I would have a house full of kids running around, that hasn’t happened. That’s probably the biggest shock for me. I really envisioned having kids, someone to leave my legacy to after I’m gone. I still haven’t completely warmed up to the reality that I will never have kids. The hopelessness is roughly 75% and then there is that 25% that believes it will happen. Everyone always asks if we have thought about adoption. I’ve thought about it but I really don’t think that is in our plan. It scares me. I hear stories all the time about how a couple patiently waits for their baby only to have it yanked away the moment the child is born because the birth parent changed their minds. I don’t think I could live through that. Fostering children would also be tough. I don’t think I could let the kids go back to their birth parents. This is why I don’t foster dogs. Can’t bear to part with them. So where does that leave us? Unless we magically win the lottery I don’t hear the pitter patter of little feet in our future. I think turning 40 is going to be a pretty big thing for me. Trying to put things into perspective and keeping myself moving forward is going to be a big challenge. Looks like I won’t be quitting my meds anytime soon.

It has been a horribly hot weekend. I could barely muster up any energy to get stuff done around the house. I can feel it now, it’s going to be a crazy work week. Meeting with the boss at 8am tomorrow. I’m off to bed.