The summer of 40

On July 5, 2011, in It's a All About me, by elisabet

Where have I been? There is an easy answer to that question, I’ve been stuck in the chaos that is my life. School finished in early May, then work has just gone bonkers. It hasn’t been calm in the cube farm for weeks. I made a quick trip to Raleigh to take care of my sister after she broke her foot. It was nice to get away but after about two days with my sister I’m ready to leave. Home life has just been cruising along. I made a list of all the things I wanted to get done before school starts back up, so far I can only mark off one project. But the important thing is that I FINISHED one project! I really don’t like being this busy. It leaves me no time to do creative stuff like quilting and scrapbooking. I’m happy but I would be much happier if I could find time to sew or be crafty.

This whole being an adult thing really stinks sometimes. We have been working on some home improvement projects this year. We got the pool remodeled and the roof re-shingled. All things that I knew were needed but I could have had much more fun spending that cash on a new computer or a new couch. But this is what being a responsible adult is all about right? By getting these big ticket improvements done I am saving myself from future expenses which could have easily doubled. Ugh! I hated writing those checks. But now that summer is here I am so happy we got the pool done. It’s nice to come home to a sparkling clean blue pool after a long day at work. And with monsoon season starting I don’t have to worry about my roof blowing off.

The countdown is speeding to the big 4-0. I’m not normally the girl that stresses or makes a fuss over their birthday but dude this birthday is really freaking me out. I just thought my life would be different at this point. I thought my life would feel less like it did when I was in my twenties, it really hasn’t changed much. I thought I would have a house full of kids running around, that hasn’t happened. That’s probably the biggest shock for me. I really envisioned having kids, someone to leave my legacy to after I’m gone. I still haven’t completely warmed up to the reality that I will never have kids. The hopelessness is roughly 75% and then there is that 25% that believes it will happen. Everyone always asks if we have thought about adoption. I’ve thought about it but I really don’t think that is in our plan. It scares me. I hear stories all the time about how a couple patiently waits for their baby only to have it yanked away the moment the child is born because the birth parent changed their minds. I don’t think I could live through that. Fostering children would also be tough. I don’t think I could let the kids go back to their birth parents. This is why I don’t foster dogs. Can’t bear to part with them. So where does that leave us? Unless we magically win the lottery I don’t hear the pitter patter of little feet in our future. I think turning 40 is going to be a pretty big thing for me. Trying to put things into perspective and keeping myself moving forward is going to be a big challenge. Looks like I won’t be quitting my meds anytime soon.

It has been a horribly hot weekend. I could barely muster up any energy to get stuff done around the house. I can feel it now, it’s going to be a crazy work week. Meeting with the boss at 8am tomorrow. I’m off to bed.

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The next 365 days

On August 26, 2010, in It's a All About me, by elisabet

I’m 39 today, 365 days closer to 40. Normally getting a year older doesn’t bother me but this birthday feels so different. The last year has been a draining emotional ride. Going from not being able to get pregnant to two miscarriages almost sucked the life out of me. I’m still not hopeful that a baby will be in our future. I decided that we’re not going to do anything extreme to have a baby, no IVF or insemination. And there is an end date for how long I will focus on this goal, 365 days. If it doesn’t happen by the big 40, then it just wasn’t in my future and I will move on. Even as I am writing this I’m in tears, I’m saying good-bye to a dream but I believe that giving it an end date it will help me see the light at the end of the tunnel which will keep me sane. I’ll trade in the minivan for a mini cooper and drive off into the sunset.

At the last minute I decided to go back to school. I’ve been wanting to finish getting my BS for a long time but something else always got in the way. I’m going part-time, two classes, algebra and sociology. Classes started this week and I’m the oldest person in the class. Things so far are going well but I’m only two days in to it. Give it three weeks and I’ll be pulling my hair out. It’s all good though, I feel like this is the path I should be on right now.

I have the next two days off, I’m going to enjoy my special day with family and friends.

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Being a homeowner sucks

On May 22, 2010, in When Life Gets in the Way, by elisabet

I come home from work hoping to enjoy a cool tasty treat on this 100 degree day, but instead my refrigerator is craping out. It’s barely five years old! It’s not a fancy model, white, simple, one would think that it should last longer. So now I’m freaking out. How much is it going to cost to fix, is it even fixable and how much will a new one cost? Then this has me thinking about the whole baby thing. If we can barely afford a new fridge how could we afford a kid? If we buy a fridge at full retail price that pretty much wipes out any saving we have. Savings that I have been hoarding away for the last few months in the hopes to have some sort of cushion should a car crap out. It’s things like this that make me think that having a kid isn’t in our cards. I know that you’re never ready to have kids but I feel like one needs to be more prepared than we are. I suppose I need to roll with the punches and cross my fingers that we win the lottery.

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It’s almost over

On April 24, 2010, in It's a All About me, by elisabet

My sabbatical is almost over. Where did the last six weeks go? I do feel really good about what I’ve accomplished on my time off. I have this overwhelming urge to get things in order. I’ve gone through our closets and dressers and was able to get rid of a ton of stuff. I swear our laundry machine has not stopped in the last three days. And what’s good is that I’m folding clothes right away instead of letting them back up in the laundry baskets. It feels good to have order again. We’re acid washing the pool this weekend. I can’t wait to have that chore checked off my list.

On the baby front, we’ve decided to go the low tech path, clomid with insemination. I have a strong feeling that it will work this time. Once the pregnancy test comes back positive I think being on the progesterone for 9-10 weeks will help prevent an early termination. Right now I’m waiting for my OPT to come back with a positive result. I have the mid-cycle ultrasound on Sunday, hopefully it will be good news.

In case you have not seen it yet, here is the final Eclipse trailer:

All I can say is WOW! And yes I screamed like a little girl after watching the trailer. I got chills just watching it. It’s going to be an amazing movie! June 30th can’t come fast enough.

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Life or something like it

On April 11, 2010, in It's a All About me, by elisabet

So far my 30 day challenge is working, ten days and no restaurants, well until last night. We did grab Delux burger for dinner but I don’t think that one time in ten days is a bad thing. I’ve been trying to use what we have in the freezer and be creative with our meals, so far we haven’t had the same thing twice yet. I’m back baking my own loaves of bread. Tried the King Arthur white bread recipe, made one cinnamon sugar loaf and one sandwich loaf. The recipe is totally simple and tastes fabulous! Tomorrow I will make an attempt to master biscuits, not that mine are bad, they aren’t but I want more height out of them. More fluffy and flakey biscuits. I’m going to add eggs to my recipe and see how that works.

Time away from work has really been therapeutic, I hate thinking that I have to go back in nineteen days. We’re still trying to pull up the old parquet flooring in one of the bedrooms so we can put down the new stuff. New paint colors for the guest room and living room have been chosen. I’m going with a more taupey-grey color which I think will look great against the white moldings. Courtney and I getting organized for the big job of acid washing the pool next weekend. We’ve never done it before but I have faith that we’ll be just fine. I’ll let you know if we burn off a limb ;)

I’m just going to put this next thought out there…have you ever noticed a series of numbers that pop up repeatedly? You’re moving along throughout your day and when you happen to look a the clock it’s 1:11 or 4:44? This happened to me the week before I got my promotion, then after I got the news all was silent. I just find it interesting that these numbers popup everywhere in my life. I feel like I need to be on the lookout for some bigger meaning but maybe it’s all just a coincident. For now I’m taking it as my sign that something big is going to happen so I bought 11 lottery tickets. Who knows??

I’ve been building my fabric stash but I haven’t pulled the trigger on a new sewing machine yet. I also haven’t been scrapbooking. My creative spark is a bit low right now. I’m going to focus on getting my house in order, clearing the clutter in my craft room and then my creative thoughts will be able to flow more freely.

We met with the fertility doc this past week. It’s not great news but I don’t feel completely hopeless. I’m thirty-eight, my eggs aren’t as fresh as they once were and there may not be a lot of them left. There is no clear explanation for the two miscarriages, it just happens. All the numbers she threw out were all within the normal ranges for my age, trying to have a baby at this point in my life will not be easy without some help. Where does that leave us? We have three options, IVF, egg donor or timed insemination, where they will wash the sperm, place the guys in my uterus and hope that they find their way to a good egg. We’re going to go with the third option, we’re no where near financially stable to be able to afford IVF and a donor just doesn’t feel right to me. We’ll be able to do one cycle of clomid with the timed insemination this year and I will be able to budget for the possibility for three more tries next year, hopefully that won’t be necessary. Its a crap shoot but right now that’s all we’ve got. Isn’t life one big crap shoot?

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